Friday, October 28
me, myself and i
Do not tell me what to do.
Do not tell me what I should be doing. I want to do whatever
I want. I will do whatever
I want. I will feel whatever
I want to feel. I will think whatever
I want to think.
Even if it's a bad thing, I will do it because
I want to do it. Even if it's makes people hate me,
I will do it because I want to do it.
I will do whatever I want.
Wednesday, October 26
i can't go
So he smsed me last night and ask if I am free this friday because he wants to take me out.
Ha. Of course he didn't ask me out. Duh. He asked if I am free this friday because this girl from our previous school is organizing something on Friday. Do I want to go? No. No, Shahid. I don't want to go. Why do you even ask? It's obvious. I won't go even if you pay me to go. No. I do not want to spend my Friday around you. Seeing you would be great but at the same time it kills me. No. I do not want to go.
I can't make myself go.
Tuesday, October 25
flashback
I saw you this morning when I was in the cab. For a short moment, I saw us; hand in hand. I saw me pretending to complain about how heavy my bag is and I saw you teasing me about not hearing it. I saw our smiles. I saw you looking into my eyes. I saw me looking into your eyes. I saw us.
Where did you go?
I need you to ...
I just need you. *sighs*
Saturday, October 22
in labs i see you
I wish to go up to you and say hi.
I wish to go up to you and ask how are you.
I wish to go up to you and chat for a while.
I wish to ignore you.
I wish to
forget you.
I wish to slap you.
I wish to erase you.
I wish to
hate you.
It's funny how seeing you smile makes me feel peaceful.
Friday, October 21
cerita lama
Sungguh aneh tapi nyata
Takkan terlupa
Kisah kasih di sekolah
Dengan si dia
Tiada masa paling indah
Masa-masa di sekolah
Tiada kisah paling indah
Wednesday, October 19
haven stop loving you
I am not as nice as you think I am.
I am not as innocent as I appear to be.
I am not as happy as I seemed to be.
I like boys.
I like girls.
I have crushes.
But it's
you that I love and always will.
Friday, October 14
arrest me
Everyday, I ask myself why do I still look around to find you.
Why? Why am I punishing myself?
I murdered myself. I killed myself by looking at him.
I should die and go straight to hell.
It's your fault.
It's your fault that I am so afraid to see you.
It's your fault.
It's your fault that it almost seems impossible to be happy again.
It's your fault.
It's your fault that I am what I am now.
It's your fault.
Wednesday, October 12
you killed me over and over again
Why do you have to repeat those hurtful words?
Do you really have to?
Don't you realise that I'm using every energy God gave me everyday just to not think of you?
Why do you have to repeat the things that I already know?
Are you that evil?
Don't you realise that I'm trying my best, even if it kills me, to just get over you?
I understand everything you've said to me.
But I hope you understand that, I love you. More than you thought.
And now, I am really hurt. I still feel hurt.
Shahid, you've hurt me so badly. More than you think you did.
So even if you have to say something to me,
say something nice. not hurtful.
I am
begging you.
I do not need to feel even more hurt than I already am.
I want to be happy even if it's just for a second.
Monday, October 10
distant
I wanted to quit my life and stay with you.
I've always wondered what I would do without you.
So far, it's been 6 months without you.
- I'm glad to say that I've improved a lot in bowling. How I wish you were there cheering on me.
- I carelessly met a guy and he played with my feelings. You weren't there to save me.
- I spent my nights trying not to think of you.
- I used up my energy to stop me from crying.
- I cut to feel physical pain.
- I open your MSN window and wait to see if you would tell me that you still love me. Everytime.
- I go about looking for you in school but run away whenever I see you.
- I come up with my own excuses when you dont call, sms or even say hi to me.
- I constantly check on the things that I still have to keep me from killing myself.
god, please help me
all i want
is just to be happy
Sunday, October 9
always there
I wonder if you've noticed that I'm around.
I have and never never leave you.
I'm just a classroom away if you need to talk or just a company.
Does it hurt seeing you? Of course it does.
You're just there but I can't have you.
Baby, I love you. I always have.
Saturday, October 8
yes you
i hate you for this
for telling me I'm the one
for saying you loved me
i hate you
you know what
orion, you're awesome.
Wednesday, October 5
observe me
Yesterday, I went to Farhan's class which is just next door, to ask for some help because I'm having difficulties with my work. A few minutes later, Shahid came to the class to talk to Lina and Angie. "Hurray".
From where I was sitting I can hear his voice. It's been a long time since I heard his voice. I've missed it. I don't dare to turn and look at him because I'll end up staring. I don't dare to be quiet because I''ll be able to hear his voice clearly. He was just there and I cannot have him. My heart breaks even more.
I didn't know how was I gonna go back to my class without looking at him. So I had to walk the long way. I felt stupid doing it but it's for my sake. I have to.
I could not concentrate on my work after that. I felt someone put his hands into my body and crush my heart. I felt someone poking my heart till it bleeds. It won't stop bleeding. It's so painful. I went out of my class. I had to. I knew that I'm gonna cry. I met Chong Ming on the way to my "hiding" place. He was comforting me. Thanks Chong Ming.
Dear God,
Please help me face him strongly. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to see him that regularly. I don't know how to survive in school. I'm so scared. I have so many things to tell him but I couldn't. I'm to scared to find out his respond. What will he say to me? I don't think I can take it if he's gonna spit horrible stuff into my face. Please help me. I'm begging
Love,
Marina
Monday, October 3
it's impossible.
trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.
