Friday, November 25
7Four925ive
Although they are not big, your words are priceless.
Although they are not much, your actions are appreciated.
Although they are not often, your conversations are somewhat enjoyable.
Although they are not always, your presence didn't make me feel so alone.
Ha. For once, an entry is not about Shahid.
Thursday, November 24
fullstop bitch
I wish I have the Grinch's dog than having onion rings, chicken cheesesticks and coke as company. Because it's embarassingly pathetic to have food and drinks to accompany you on Thursday night. Go ahead laugh at me. I don't really care.
At times like these I miss him even more than ever. He was the greatest company I've ever gotten.
Shut the fuck up, Marina.
Sunday, November 20
not for you to read
dear shahid,
you are still the most amazing guy ever.
you are still the only guy i love.
you are still the guy i think of everyday.
you are still the one.
i miss you.
love,
marina
Friday, November 18
running out of battery
You know, in school, when he's around like near me or like a few metres around me, my whole body knows it. I will start to babble. I'll start to talk and talk but my mind will have no idea what I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's a term for this.
You know, when he talks to me casually, it makes me realise that there's actually hope, that we could actually communicate -- he runs away.
You know, I've always thought that you can't hurt someone unless you really matter to them. Does that mean I really mattered to
him? I know I did. I felt it.
You know, it's like your heart has been ripped out and stomped on. You.. you can't breathe, you don't want to eat, you can't function. It's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel, and there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture, and you know its yours for life.
You know, sometimes, or maybe all the time, life just...well, sucks.
Wednesday, November 16
a lack of colour
I can't even pen down my feelings well. How can I talk about it? Sometimes, I just want to call someone or sit beside someone just cry my heart out.
Cry till my last tears.
Cry till I don't feel a thing in my heart.
Because the amount of tears that have been coming out from my eyes ever since that horrible day, is the amount of time I think about the one that I love.
You're only 18, Marina. You're still young to have "love". You should slap yourself for saying that to me.
Be in my shoes before saying bullshit.
Be in my shoes before telling me not to think about it.
Be in my fucking shoes and you'll feel like dying.
You've made it without him, you can do it again.
You think I made it happily?
I found true happiness when I was with him.
I found love when I was with him.
So why would I want to go back to that?
No one told me that it's gonna be so hard.
Monday, November 14
my new best friend
Chlorpheniramine's been my best friend.
Been taking about 3 of it at one shot.
The funny thing is, nothing much happen.
I'll just drowsy and sleep.
What a good way to forget about things.
Thanks Chlorpheniramine, I love you.
*sigh* but you're gonna finish soon. How am I gonna restock you.
Saturday, November 12
i wanna be you
i wanna know how does it feels so leave someone behind alone..
i wanna know how does it feels to make someone hate life..
i wanna know how does it feels to tear someone up into pieces..
i wanna know how does it feels to make someone cry everynight till she sleeps..
Wednesday, November 9
i'm fine
Took off the blouse, skirt, bra and panties that I had worn on that day when I went to
his house.
It was the most special day in our relationship.
The day kept repeating itself in my mind.
I showered.
I tried letting the water wash the hurt away.
Fuck. It didn't work.
I wish that there was no drains or whatever you call it, in my bathroom.
Why? So the water will be contain in the bathroom and drown me.
Filled the sink with water.
Put my head into the water; shutting reality away.
Clearly, I'm not doing fine without you.
Sunday, November 6
please fix me
My head isn't thinking straight anymore.
I tried to think, I tried to figure things out and why they happen but I can't.
I can't do this anymore.
I used to love so many things but now I've lost interest in all.
I used to always smile but now I don't see my smile anymore.
I used to never shed a tear but now all I see is the cloudiness before the tears.
I used to have you. used to.
I used to have a reason to live, but now I have a reason to die.
Saturday, November 5
in need of answers
You kissed me after you broke up with me. Maybe I'm stupid to agree to have that last kiss with you. I don't know. I just wanted to hold you. I just want to be in your arms. You hugged me so tightly and it felt so right. I wish you won't let me go.
I just wish...
You told me that you'll be there for me if I needed you. You said that that's the least you could you for making me feel hurt. But,
Shahid, where were you when I needed you the very most? You left me to suffer all by myself. I only wanted you. Only you can make me feel whole again. But where were you?
I waited...Why won't you talk to me? Why did you ignore me? How could you do this to me? How you could smile at me pretending that nothing happen? How could you love another just like that? Don't I mean anything to you? What did I do?
Please tell me. I could kill myself just wondering about it.
Friday, November 4
you were my everything
what about when you
looked into my eyes
told me you loved me
as you would hugged me
i guess everything you said was a lie
Wednesday, November 2
you light up my life
I remember so clearly in my mind my first Hari Raya with you. It was my first time meeting your family. I love them before I even met them and I love them even more after I've met them. It was the
best Hari Raya for me.
I've miss you a lot.
