Monday, March 13
i've never been so sorry
At one point of my life, I apologised to someone but I didn't tell her why. I couldn't. I don't want to imagine the thoughts that might be running through her mind when I tell her why.
"It's not what you think.." - Would she believe me when I say that? I don't know. Because.. a part of me feels like a total stranger when I'm around her.
I'm sorry.
(note: the rubbish i'm talking about is just a nick i gave to someone..not literally rubbish.)
I wasn't there half of your life in RP. I was too busy with rubbish which is making me the rubbish now. But, if I found the guts to tell you this, I hope that you believe me when I say that I always thought of you when I'm with rubbish. I'm not lying. I'll never lie when it comes to you. I talked to rubbish about you. I told rubbish how much I wanted to approach you and apologise but I couldn't so I waited till now and realise that it might be too late for an apology.
I'm sorry.I want to make up to you. I tell myself that I will make it up to you. I wanna make up all those months, days, hours, minutes and seconds that I was gone, that I hould have been there for you. But I got stuck. I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I really don't. Sometimes, I'll just looked at you and hoping that just by looking, everything will be okay (that sounded stupid). I make up reasons/questions/stories just to talk to you and hear your voice in return (that sounded even more stupid).
I'm sorry. Sometimes, I feel angry at you. Why didn't you stop me for going after rubbish? Why didn't you argue with me when I was with rubbish? Why didn't you slap me for not being there? Why didn't you wake me up? But I guess I wasn't worth the trouble. I miss you, $^&%#%$*@. You defended me when needed. You made me laugh. You laughed at my jokes when no one did. You made me happy. You wrote letters to me. You never made me felt alone. You listened to me. You talked to me. Trust me, the list can go on and on and on. No one can compare to you. No one. But rubbish made me leave you. But I really didn't. You were still (may sound stupid but) in my heart and mind. I thought of you a lot. I really, honestly did.
I'm sorry. Till today, I'm so proud to know someone like you. I'm so happy to tell people that, "Oh.. I know her!". I wanna make up to you. I really do. But I can't tell you that this is about you. I just can't. I'm not saying this because rubbish left me but because it seems like the right time. My mind is in the right place for once.
I'm so sorry.
I've been a jerk. A great big jerk. The biggest jerk alive, really. You have all the right to call me a jerk too. Or whatever you like. But I'm really sorry. I really am sorry. Even if I have to count the hairs on your head or count the grass in the whole of Singapore, just to make things better between us, I will because I really am sorry.
and I love you.
